Could Be Better

Haven't been here in awhile. For the most part, life has been good lately. And as I mentioned to a friend the other day, I tend to blog when life is not so hot. This is one of those times.

First, I'll say again, life has been generally good. Despite the layoff and the fact that I'm ineligible for unemployment for reasons I don't even want to explain, I'm pretty happy. I've been doing LOTS of reading and have completed lots of projects around the house. I'd share pictures, but my laptop died at the beginning of the summer, and Joe's doesn't have any of my pictures on it. (wah wah)

After about 5 weeks of being in my house without a job, I'm growing weary. I'm tired of being home by myself. As much as I am trying to appreciate all the time on my hands, which I don't think I ever prayed for, I just feel like a bum. Volunteer! Visit people! Right. Well, on top of all everything else, Joe and I are sharing my car. So that means I get up at 6am to take him to work and waste a lot of gas if I want to keep the car. Blech.

Today, after I read for a couple hours, applied for a few jobs, and added those jobs to a long list of all the jobs I've applied for, I had an urge to move for the first time since moving here. We've been here for about 2 years. There just aren't jobs here. I expected to stay at my previous job for a very long time, so the job outlook here wasn't really an issue when we initially made the decision to make this place home. Mostly, we moved here to be close to family.

That brings me to my next point of frustration. Why is it the people that you love seem to have this supernatural ability to hurt you so deeply? No matter how much you avoid participating in the gossip, people find a way of putting you at the center of it. Somehow, it gets to you. It stabs you in the heart. These people who claim to love you and care about you say such hurtful things, things to make you question yourself, things to make you question their love. it. breaks. my. heart.

Something that I've prayed for for quite a long time is humility. I've asked God to make me humble and help me not to be proud. Certainly, God has answered my prayers through many experiences that have brought me to my knees, yet I've had so much guilt. Now, I am beginning to think though maybe my guilt for being proud is not from me. Maybe I've allowed others' insecurities to make me feel bad. Do I really treat others like I'm better than them or are they insecure about their own lives and take what I say the wrong way? Maybe just saying that proves their point. What I do know is that I have worked really hard and watching my words in front of my family yet I'm still considered a spoiled brat.

So now I have a choice. To avoid or not to avoid.